Top 3 Cruise Theories

Tom Cruise became a supporter of Scientology in 1990, according to the 'pedia. Here's my top 3 favorite theories for why.

Tom Cruise has not slept since 1990.

This would explain a lot, I think. Crazy things happen when you don't get sleep. There was one time I was up almost all night programming a web server. When my alarm clock beeped after the hour or so of sleep I got, I incorporated it into my dream and tried to reprogram it so it would stop beeping. I missed class.

Tom Cruise lost a bet with his wife Mimi Rogers that the 49ers wouldn't win their 4th Super Bowl.

I wish I could say I saw that Super Bowl. It's not that I can say for sure that I didn't see that Super Bowl, it's just that I was 7 years old and can't remember. It was the Denver Bronco's third fruitless trip to the Super Bowl in four years, and Elway just never did it for me. But this is about Tom, not me. I'm sure plenty of people have joined a church because they lost a football bet to their wife.

Tom Cruise is on an infiltration mission.

This is my favorite theory simply because I've always loved the Cruiseman. These last few years have made it pretty hard for me to keep my chin up, so a hopeful theory is a good theory (aside that's bad science). I hear that Cruise is the second most powerful Scientologist in the Church. I don't know what power level that means he's at, but I'm thinking that once he's the most powerful Scientologist, we'll see his true purpose when Michael Clarke Duncan in a stock car and Anthony Edwards in an F-14 collide with Tom Cruise dropping from an HVAC vent in a beautiful fireball that quiets the Church forever. Best of all, this theory has some evidence: the background music in the interview with Cruise shown at the Scientology Academy Awards.

[Update – 26 January 2008 – I just watched Top Gun on AMC today. 1986. Great flick, but everyone was (unrealistically?) unsympathetic when Goose died. They called Maverick a quitter because he was sad his best friend died. Geeez.]